When I - Collection #1

When I'm Lonely

When I'm lonely
I get in bed and watch films
And in the dark
Drunk on Technicolour
I pretend that someone is behind me
Watching too.

When I'm Sick

When I'm sick
I just want to be well
I groan and pray for days
Like winter mornings
Where I'm alive to the touch
Rattling with cold
And making ghostly noises
Over the fire
As the rising warmth tickles
And makes me want to laugh
When I'm sick
All I want is life, O Sweet natural life

When I'm sad

When I'm sad
I stare a dirty dishes
And empty shoes
And Google maps
And the microwave.
When I'm sad
There's nothing happy to stare at.

When I'm happy

When I'm happy
I light a cigarette
Sometime five at once
“You'll be dead soon!” I say

When I feel sexy

When I feel sexy
I become something else:
Half man; Half animal
A turn-on to myself

When I'm unsexy

When I'm unsexy
Sex seems hideous
Like the most disgusting thing ever
Smells and slime and wants and needs
Nudging me in the back.
A cat on heat
The most disloyal friend you'll ever know.

When I'm a Dog

When I'm a dog
I don't bark
Or Cock my leg to piss
Or Shit in public
Or pant and dribble on the underground
I just look at people
All smoky like
And think of fucking their beautiful brains out


  1. I really like this one, especially

    I pretend that someone is behind me
    Watching too.

    I've always found watching a film with someone to be one of the most romantic things ever.

  2. Hi Joe,

    I agree. Romantic and calming and peaceful for me. Only all too often ruined by groping hands when all I want is to be held and watch the pictures. That originates from a very specific memory. One Christmas Day I fell off my bike and hit my head and knocked myself unconscious. I came around on a bench with an old lady looking over me who had seen what had happened. She somehow managed to get me home. I was all grazed and cut, my bike was broken and I had a tremendous headache. In the front room, with the fire blazing, my mother laid me down on the sofa - my stepfather at my feet - and together we all watched the old b&w King Kong movie. It must have been late afternoon as during the film I dozed off and when I woke the day was down and dark around and the film was still playing. I'd catch five minutes of Kong and then with my sore head and the warmth and comfort I'd fall asleep again. This went on. And everytime I opened my eyes the film was still playing and everything was exactly how I wanted it to be. It was the only memory I have of any kind of family love. Again, there's a post in WFJ where this is one of Tristram's early memories only I changed the film and he was watching Hitchcock's The Rear Window. X

  3. I remember a time soon after my dad walked out, i came downstairs and lingered half in and half out of the living room in tears, pretended to be distraught so my mum would invite me in to sit on her lap and watch karate kid until 4 in the morning. it was so peaceful and calm and i felt like i'd gotten one up on my sisters for staying up late and having her to myself.

    - S x

  4. So unbelievingly relatable!